my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I will pee on everything he values.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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