So drunk its hurt
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
