I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
