do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
