I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
