i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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