I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
