He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
