I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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