Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
