In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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