Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
