What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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