He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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