You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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