I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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