Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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