I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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