Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
