the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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