I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
