i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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