Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
