just tell him i said nine months
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
