would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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