i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
