I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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