one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
