I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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