his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
