Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the day after is always just damage control
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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