She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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