Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
