I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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