U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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