what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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