I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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