I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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