when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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