His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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