There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
