If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
40s are totally the cure
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
