omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
