Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
