My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
