I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
BRING THE BAGELS
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
