Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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