How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
