Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
