Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
