Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
